Bloody Cauldwell
by bonnjie
Summary: NickRita oneshot. Rita gets pissed and runs in with a certain Cauldwell. COMPLETE.


b Title: /b Bloody Cauldwell

b Fandom: /b Harry Potter

b Characters: /b Rita Skeeter/Nearly Headless Nick

b Prompt: /b 028. Children

b Word Count: /b 

b Rating: /b R-13. Contains fighting and a tipsy Rita Skeeter (which should be avoided at all costs)

b Summary: /b Rita bumps into a certain James Cauldwell at a muggle pub. Fun ensues.

b Author's Notes: /b Don't read if you don't like fighting!

lj-cut text"Bloody Cauldwell" 

"'Scuse me, but your in my seat."

Rita looked over in the general direction of the incredibly nasal voice, trying not to spill her drink as her eyes fell upon what could have been the most ugliest male ever born. It was hard to look at him,.she thought her eyes would burn out if she stared at him for too long. He was short and stubby, with pudgy little hands and a horrid nose that looked like it had come off Baba Yaga. He reminded Rita of Napoleon from Animal Farm, there was a huge possibility that he was indeed a pig dressing up as a human. And hopefully he'd return to Manor Farm and butcher some more Stakhanovites. She shrugged, returning to her drink and smirking.

"Don't see your name on it."

The pig man grunted, pointing to a small squiggle by Ritas buttocks and compelling her to punch him and get it over with. How dare he disturb her drinking time! How dare he put his disgusting pudgy fingers anywhere near her derriere! Didn't he realise she needed her drinking time to allow her to remain emotionless throughout the rest of the week? Did he not know who she was! She looked at the squiggle, it was almost like a two year olds illegible writing. Or maybe finger painting, there was possibly an 'A' thrown in somewhere, but other than that it just looked like a bunch of lines.

"Doesn't prove anything, I can't read it."

"Well, maybe if you put your glasses on, you'd see it says 'James Cauldwell'. So get off my chair."

Rita spat out her drink into the glass, trying to contain herself as she swivelled around on the chair, glaring at the bastard. He couldn't be related to Richard Cauldwell, could he? The Cauldwell who was responsible for Nicks death? The one that killed his hopes of marriage, children and the like. She put her foot on the ground, scowling and fighting the urge to punch him then and there.

"Are you insinuating that I'm old?"

"You remind me of Baba Yaga."

"Look whos talking Comrade Napoleon. Are you by any chance related to the Cauldwells of Berkshire?"

"'Course. Me Dads from there."

"And I suppose your mother is also his first cousin?"

"What are you suggesting?"

"Can't you figure it out?"

He was getting on her nerves, she moved closer to this hideous beast, putting her drink on the counter and stood up, looking down at him. Because of this brats ancestors Nick couldn't have kids, because of Richard bloody Cauldwell Nicks parents had been shunted off into the streets. If only she could get this ... whatever he was into the street, everything would be alright. A voice in her head was telling her not to, but the alcohol was overpowering that little smidgen of reason, she needed to do this, for Nick. She put on a smile, biting her lip slightly and trying to look alluring.

"Fancy going for a walk?"

"S...Sure!"

She walked out the door, making sure he was following her and ignoring the fact that she had just hit a Cauldwell. Disgusting. Once they were outside and well away from the bar, in a dark alley far away from the public eye, she waited until all she could hear was the clacking of her pumps against the concrete and his muttering about viagra, whatever that was. He seemed to be very interested in it. Silly muggle.

"So m'dear, where are we going?"

He did not just say the same thing Nick would have said! There was no way! He must have been drunk beyond belief. She looked around, deciding that if she wasn't going to get caught doing this, here was the place. Her eyes moved down to his, and she hid her horror as she realised he was staring at her breasts, and probably her arse before that. She didn't feel any pity for him. None at all. He deserved everything he got.

"Oh, right here."

She took a step closer to him, sliding her feet out of the black pumps encasing them and pushing him into a wall. He seemed excited, she thought to herself as her knee moved upwards, getting him right in the groin, although she wondered if he had any balls at all. There was a possibility that the males in the Cauldwell family were born without reproductive organs. They could be asexual, and the females would attempt to hide their asexuality by shoving pillows up their dresses after marrying their cousins. There was a groan, and she smirked, grabbing his head and slamming it into the brick wall.

"Bloody Cauldwell!"

She punched and kicked, ripping at his hair and laughing at his feeble attempts to fight back. He was a puny man, all alone in the world. And here she was, trying her best to knock him out all because of Nick. She had no idea why, but god it felt good. Her fist connected with his nose, and she heard a sickening crack as blood started to flow freely from his plum of a nose. It was getting all over her outfit, she screeched and hit him harder, ignoring his cries for help. Whipping out her wand and holding him against the wall, she silenced him and continued scratching and pulling, ripping and tearing. He was trying harder to fight back, fiercly scratching any exposed skin and tugging at her hair. He would barely leave a mark, she thought to herself. Rita was stronger, she was quicker, she reacted faster and heaven help anyone who got in her way. Her creamy skin was stained with dark red, dark blue dress beginning to turn a horrid shade of purple as she inflicted more injuries upon the poor sod unlucky enough to have descended from a complete lunatic. Maybe it ran in the family? Soon enough he was on the ground, silently screaming for help as she put her shoes back on and kicked him square in the gut.

"Thats for Nick!"

The stiletto heel of her shoe was pushed down quickly on his chest, as she spat in his face and put all her weight on her foot. More blood spilled as he slipped in and out of consciousness. It was strange, Rita thought, to be beating up a complete stranger because of his surname. But he was a prat, and therefore deserved it. It wasn't like he could do anything about it.

"Thats for Margaret bloody Millings!"

Again her foot connected with his stomach, a tear beginning to form in his dirty clothing. She hoped to hell this was hurting him, Nick had gone through 500 years of hurting all because of this gits family.

"Thats for Nicks non-existant children! And this is for his possibly hot descendants!"

She pressed the ball of her shoe against his eye, hearing another sickening crack and resting herself on his chest. He was heaving for breath, his eyes bloodshot and swollen, tears running down his acne-infested face, but she didn't care. She was truimphant, she was powerful. She wasn't the flimsy excuse for a man lying on the ground after being beaten up by an woman. They were supposed to be inferior.

"And this, this is for me."

She punched him as hard as she possibly could, admiring the scratches and bruises beginning to form, the cuts from her rings and knuckles letting blood seep into his greying hair. Standing up, she brushed herself off, charming away the dark red blood that covered almost every inch of her body and obliverating the sod lying on the stained concrete. Rita couldn't have him telling on her, that would just ruin it all. She watched him slip into the realm of unconsciousness, fixing her hair and healing the small scratches he'd left on her arms and legs. Her clothes seemed to be in perfect order, she noted as she dipped her shoes in a small puddle and watched the blood wash away. He deserved it, she told herself as she unsilenced him and walked away to the neon lights of the street. Nick could have had children, there could have been a stunning descendant she could have married. Before she could stop herself, she was running back, towering above him for just a second before kicking him sqaure in the balls and smirking truimphantly. There would be no more Cauldwell children, she murmered to herself as she ran back to the street and slipped into the crowd of muggles.


End file.
